Senior Year (Day Three): You Mustn't Be Afraid To Love Yourself

He was of a young age, a boy with only 5 years of life on earth, just beginning to learn and grow. The world was an exciting and tall place to him.

A sense of excitement grew in the small places of this boy. His sister was coming to visit him, and he knew it. He loved her more than anything else in his small little world, and his sincerity could not be denied. 

He waited patiently for her love and attention. He was not asking for much, he felt. However, it was evident his hope was void. The feeling was not mutual.

He tried hard to get her attention.

Maybe if I try hard enough she’ll like me, he thought.

And he tried. He tried as hard as he could but with no avail, never receiving anything in return.  

Eventually, his sister had reached a boiling point, a point of no more tolerance. She picked him up, hands wrapping under the pit of his arms, and carried him to his room. She dropped him on his bed, sitting down beside it as well.

The boy squirmed, trying to find a comfortable position, an excited anticipation filling him. This was the moment he had been wanting, hoping for, waiting for. The time that he got her all too himself. 

“All of this is your fault,” She told him. “All I have ever wanted was a sister but I received you instead. You are supposed to be a girl.”

She left, slamming the door behind her, the unknown sensation of hurt echoing through the boy’s heart. All he wanted was her acceptance, her approval, her love because he looked up to her so much. He wanted to make her happy and proud.

But what had just happened, whatever that was, was so filled with such a cold bitterness and a heated frustration.

He threw himself backward and rolled over, burying his face in his baseball pillow. Letting confusion and guilt ripple in his head, he believed her words to be true.

“All I ever wanted was my sister to love me,” he gasp through his tears, brokenness seeping into him.  

Where had this come from? He had not the slightest idea what she was referring to or what had brought it on. He knew that he had been a burden and he was the only one to blame for it.

Do you have any idea the effect that has on a child’s mind?

He eventually scraped together enough strength to stop the typical emotional volcanic mass that is a child’s life, leave his room, and go back to normal.

And that is the story of the boy.

However, that’s not where the story ends. 

There is SO much more to this story. Most of which is still held tight deep inside the boy.

I am the boy. This is my story.

And the problem is that I never truly went back to “normal.” There was a new normal, a different normal that was created within me. I never went back to the old one. I couldn’t have even if I had wanted to.

Because I had been broken. I was only a child and I had been completely shattered by just a few words by someone who I thought loved me. And that’s the thing about brokenness. It changes you. You will never be the same person as you were before because of it. Even after you heal, you are different; you have scars showing the damage. 

I think about this moment of my life quite often. It has left its scars. It has marked who I am forever. And if you look closely, you may even be able to see the proof of this.

That’s the thing about humans. We look at other people, but do we really ever see them? We look but we do not observe. We see, but do we ever notice?  

Did she ever notice the consequences that her words had on me?

Did she even care?

Ever since that day she made it apparent with her actions that she does not want to be a part of my life. She did not want me because I was not a girl. She still does not want me.  

I was rejected…. for the sole purpose of my gender. She claims that I am unlovable because of this.

But I am not here to be a victim. That is the last thing I want. It’s not about getting people’s sympathy. This is about sharing my story and lessons that I have learned, no matter how hard they were to come by.

I have always wondered why she has felt so strongly towards me. There are a million questions I could ask. But questions only lead to more questions. Unanswered questions lead’s to frustration. Frustration leads to anger, really serious anger in my case.

One thing I know is that unforgiveness is rooted in anger. And anger is bitterness best friend. They are never far apart.  And let’s be honest, I still am incredibly bitter towards her. I REALLY struggle with it, y’all.

The one thing people always tell me: She is the one who is missing out, you know. It’s funny because I know others are only trying to make me feel better. But with that statement, there comes a rock-hard reality.

I am missing out too. I am being denied the opportunity of having a relationship with my own sister. 

That’s heartbreaking.

But through a broken heart comes strength.

It took me a really long time to realize that her poor feelings towards me does not lessen my value. How could I possibly ever love myself when she didn’t? I spent most of my life believing that I didn't deserve love because I wasn’t worth it. There are days when I still believe that. Sometimes it’s hard to silence that voice.  But that’s the days that I have to choose to love myself.

Because that’s the thing about love. It is a choice. But the bad part is; you cannot make someone love you. I cannot make my sister love me and that really hurts. But I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for someone I am not. It’s on the days when I want to hate her for everything she has put me through that I have to remind myself that I’m the only one who is getting hurt in that process. Hate is easy and love is hard. But it’s worth it. I firmly believe that love never returns void. However, I will no longer omit pieces of myself in the hopes that someone might like me better.  Because I am me and I love myself enough to not compromise that.

I once heard someone say people usually hurt others in an attempt to heal themselves. But what I think we so often forget is that sometimes we hurt ourselves as an attempt for protection.

Maybe if I do it to myself first, then nobody can hurt me from that thing…I was rejected. Therefor I rejected myself. I felt unloved so I did not have the ability to love myself.

Its scary how it works.

There comes a point where hate is too big of a burden to carry. I have reached my point of boiling. I’m letting love bubble up in me, letting hate evaporate taking away its insecurities with it.  I’m learning to accept love. I’m learning to give love back to myself. I’m learning that I am worth it. I am worth being loved and cherished.  What a liberating thought.

I have learned to be grateful. Even though this situation has been rough to deal with and tough to get through, it has helped mold me into the person I am today. I’m sad that it happened but I would never take it back. I would never want to change the hardships of my past in hopes of an easier future. Despite all the nasty comments from someone I love, I have chosen to love myself. Despite all the nasty comments from myself, 

I have chosen to love myself.

I mustn't be afraid to love myself. 

I mustn't be afraid to shine a little brighter.

I mustn’t be afraid to be ME.

“Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR04ZUVWnY4

^^I heard this song on my way to school and it sparked this message. I know it probably seemed random and out of place, but it I just had to say it!

Thanks for listening to my rambles.