Senior Year (Day One): You Will Endure

Well today was my first day of my senior year.

And I feel……..

Older?        

Wiser?

More Mature?

Haggard?

the same.

I don’t feel any different. 

While I was driving myself to school (for the first time, I might add. Judge me. I don’t care.) Something occurred to me. This could very well be my LAST first day ever.

I’m really not sure about college next fall. It’s certainly an option I am thinking about, but I definitely don’t feel like it is a must. It’s not do or die. It’s actually kind of nerve-racking, scary, terrifying. This is my last year to be a kid. I feel like my life starts next year.

And I have no idea what I want to do with it.

I have to remind myself daily that it's not the end of the world if I don’t go to college, just because everyone thinks I should. It does not mean that I won’t amount to anything. It does not mean I am or will be a failure. It just means I have chosen a different path, and that is totally okay!

Today went well, I feel. It was pretty smooth…… expect for that one moment when I didn't hit the latch on the door hard enough and I ended up face slamming into it. We are talking, leaving a spit mark on the door, glasses falling to the floor, making everyone in the cafeteria turn and look at me.

Way to go, Chase. Real smooth. Oh you know, just causally slamming into an aluminum door.  The ladies love that, right?!?!

But, its whatever. I’m not bitter about it or anything.I hated that door anyway. Apparently the feeling was mutual

For my first class we are watching Jane Eyre. We have not finished it yet but I’m looking forward to seeing how the story develops.

While I was watching, something really stuck out at me.

I don’t even know where this came from, or if I made it up but I so clearly remember it being said.

“You will endure what you are told too.”

*Insert light bulb moment.*

It was in the moment that reality hit me hard- really hard. Hello there, Mr. Slap-in-the-face. You will endure what you are told too. Let that sink in for a moment and churn through your brain.  You will endure what you are told too. Suddenly so many things became apparent to me.

First, you don’t owe your emotions anything. You do not owe your thoughts anything.  Neither of these things owns you. It’s important to remember that. 

I am only human and yes, sometimes I am selfish and rude. Sometimes I feel insecure and inadequate. Sometimes I feel really sad and very broken. And that is okay because I am only human. Sometimes I have bad feelings and sad thoughts. Sometimes I like rolling around in self-pity, to wallow in self-doubt, be covered with the mess that is hate and judgment.

I just can’t unpack and live there. These things are not a home. You cannot move in. Making yourself comfortable under those conditions is impossible. To let those things control me is NOT okay.

But why then, do we?! The fact that I tell myself daily that I need to endure poor emotional conditions is pathetic. I find that heartbreaking, and quite frankly, I'm over it!

These things happen to everyone. At some point we ALL feel badly but sometimes it’s easier to feel completely alone, isolated from reality, distanced from the world.  I finally understand that there is so much freedom that comes with not taking your feelings personally.

Secondly, we either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. It is up to you to do the work.

Life is tough. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. That’s just the way it’s going to be. But here’s the good news, life might be tough, but so are you! Sometimes it’s a struggle; however, the trick is to not see it as a struggle but as a journey. Sometimes I fail, and that’s ok. That’s the polarity of life. I can think of a million different reasons why I should hate myself every single day. But the good part is that I can think of 5 million reasons why I should love myself instead.

I firmly believe you will get nothing different from this world, if you do not change your attitude. It's all about the state in which you dwell.

And that my friends, is what was learned on the  first day of school.

#BOOM!

Reminder:

You will endure what you allow yourself  too.