“We believe in you and we want to see you succeed” she told
me as I bit into my burger, the sounds of the crowded restaurant muffled the
air.
This is a moment that I will never forget, a period of a few
seconds that is branded into my mind. I can still so vividly comprehend the
words, how they were spoken, the love behind them, and the impact each
individual, simple, and single word had on me; each syllable sending a wave
through my veins.
As an artist, it was the thing that meant the most to me. To
physically, tangibly, and palpably know that someone believes in your art, in
YOU, even when you don’t’ believe in yourself, is the single most liberating
thing you could ever experience.
And they had effortlessly given me freedom.
During all the many times we spent together, they changed
me. They awoke passions deep within my heart. They taught me to not sweat the
small stuff, to live, to love freely.
They invested into me in ways no other
person had ever taken the time too before. They poured into my life to the
point where it became overwhelming. They taught me to adventure, to explore, to
try new things.
We laughed.
We cried.
We danced.
We sang.
We drove with the windows down and the radio loud.
We had late nights and photoshop dates.
We adventured.
And we created.
Oh, did we ever create! We created so many things and had
so much fun in the process.
She was a graphic designer.
He was a filmmaker.
And I, the photographer.
I firmly believed that when you put the three of us
together, we were both an unstoppable force AND an unmovable object.
I really loved them. I allowed myself to get close, which
is something I don’t do very often. I let them into my life. They were an
answered prayer. I wanted someone to look up to, admire, and respect. I needed
it desperately. And they were an answered prayer for me.
But one day, they left. They moved away and I was left
behind.
And just like that, we became strangers.
I was completely and utterly heartbroken. I felt lost, to
say the least.
After that, I built an emotional wall. I built it sturdy,
thick, and tall. I put spikes at the top
and covered the brick with thorns.
All through my life, people have entered my emotional garden,
planted some seeds, and then left. Leaving its fruits to wilt, wither, and die.
I became so tired of always having to be the one to clean up after other
people. Being left in a worse condition than what I was found was exhausting
and I was done with it.
To say I felt abandon would be an understatement. I felt
thoroughly abandon and altogether forgotten about. Sadly enough, I blamed them for quite a long
time too.
We used to talk all the time, and now it’s nothing. How
can you act like the past year didn't just happen? Why did you have to leave?
Why don’t you care anymore, I would think whenever I saw their Facebook or
Instagram post. I became morbidly and stupidly bitter. I was left feeling angry
and hurt.
I started shutting other people out of my life too. If
there is one thing I had learned about people, it’s that they leave you.
Eventually, when you least expect it, without a warning, reason, or goodbye,
like the switching off of a light, people leave. They are just simply gone, no
longer there. All too soon, all I have left is my memories.
People fade. Memories don’t.
The relationships ends but the feelings stand firm.
I've always been the one afraid of losing people that I
love. Often times, I’m left wondering who the people are, that are afraid of
losing me.
One thing I have recently learned about myself is that I
tend to choose delusion over reality.
Sometimes, I choose to live in the fantasy of what I want a relationship
to be. I willingly get very blinded, very quickly by delusions. It’s always
very tragic for me when someone is no longer a part of my life, even when it’s
not that big of a deal to the other person.
I’m not saying this was the case with the couple I loved
dearly. I am also not blaming my problems on them either; please don’t take it
that way.
To everything there is a season, and I had to learn that
lesson the really hard way. It took me years to realize this. Things change,
and that’s okay. People change, and that’s okay too. When life changes and
seasons end, I take it really hard. I don’t like saying goodbye. But I think
that's just life. Some friendships weren't meant to last forever, and I need to
be reminded of that occasionally.
It took a long time to realize that what I felt to be
abandonment was really just a change in seasons for them. Maybe I wasn’t meant
to be a part of that season in their lives, and that’s okay. It doesn't mean my relationship ended permanently.
Just until a few weeks ago, I didn't see this. It took
getting to reconnect that made me realize I was hurt, bitter, and angry. We
each missed a period of each other’s lives, and that is okay. I am no longer
angry. I no longer cry, complain, and think negatively about it.
Bitterness is too big of a burden to carry, especially
towards people you really love.
I know that my life is about the dramatically change,
it’s really kind of scary.
Okay, it’s terrifying.
The thought of change is crippling, especially when you
feel like you are just getting a grasp of what’s going on. I like my life the way that it is. It saddens
me to think about who will and will not be with me in another year because of
the change in seasons. But at the same
time, I’m excited to meet new people, and do new things. Every person I will
ever meet knows something that I don't. We each have something to offer each
other, and I’m excited to connect with others in new ways, but saddened that
some of what I have now might fade away because of it.
At some point, everybody you love will fail you. That is
a sad truth, but it is a real truth. We are all just human, and we all fail
each other sometimes and that is okay. You just have to get up, dust off your
knees, wash the dirt and leaves out of your hair, accept or give an apology and
then move on. It’s that simple.
Just like a calendar year, each relationship goes through
changes, through seasons. It morphs and re-shapes itself after time. Sometimes
this means not talking to someone. For, like, an entire two years. But that
doesn’t mean that they don’t love you any less. Very often, they are going
through a battle of their own, one that only they can fight.
I used to believe
that since people always left that I should stop caring before they did. I
spent a great
But once you stop caring for other people; you will
ultimately stop caring for yourself. And that is a hard battle to fight.
One thing in my life I should never be afraid of is the
responsibilities that comes with caring for someone, the nuances we do for
love, and out of love. Love, even if it is not returned, is never void. The acts
of love are the things that push through in the end, the things that endure.
They stand strong even when the person you do it for does not.
So to the people in this story….
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I held bitterness.
I’m sorry that I never told you.
I’m sorry that this went on for so long.
Thank you for giving my freedom.
Thank you for it all.
To all the people I have ever failed.
I’m sorry.
