Senior Year (Day Four): Why Did You Have To Ask Me This Question?

So since I posted my last blog about loving myself, I have received some feedback. Some good. Some bad. And I have learned a lot about myself by listening to what others had to say.

First, hole-filling. Let’s talk about!  

I had a short but meaningful talk with a friend and teacher today at my school. One of two things happened. First, I realized that maybe people DO actually notice. So maybe I didn’t give humanity enough credit which I take responsibility for! Sorry humanity. Thank you so much for proving me wrong! Secondly , she popped an unexpected question at me.

“I read your blog and I made the observation that most of your close friends are girls. Do you think that this is because you are trying to fill a hole,” She asked me.

UGH! I didn’t want this question! WHY?

I already knew the answer and I didn’t like it. Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable, sometimes it even hurts.  

“Yes.” I answered her, tilting my head, letting my heart sink to the floor. While this is something that I have known for some time now, it becomes a real issue having to put it into words. When you put your problems into words it makes them real, an actual and tangible thing, a thing that you now have to confront.

You cannot change something you refuse to confront. And I had been refusing to confront this matter.

While that was the extent of our conversation, it left an impact. It got me thinking.

I was aware of the fact that I was using others to fill this hole that I have and I was okay with that. I was happy with it, even if it might or might not have been healthy. I didn’t really care. The delusions in my head seemed better than the reality of what was happening. Call me selfish, I don’t care, its whatever. I’m just being honest. It had always seemed to work out before.  

Or did it?

Within the past few years I have really been dealing with some abandonment issues. In my experience, I let someone in, we get close, I start to love them and then they leave. They leave without a warning or reason, no goodbye. Just up and gone.

I am so tired of having to pick up and fix all the little pieces of myself that they leave behind. It’s too hard and tiresome of a job. You never get the pieces to fit right, anyways.  

Suddenly I realized that maybe this wasn’t so fulfilling, or healing for that matter. Because when you have a wound, sometimes you have to let it air out. That is something that I never allowed to happen. I just always covered it up with as many band-aids as possible. Even though others can help us heal from our trauma, they can’t be our morphine. We have to do the work ourselves.

I have come to a place where I have had to acknowledge the fact that no matter how much I love someone, or how much someone might love me, eventually, given enough time, they will fail me. They are only human and humans are not perfect, no matter how hard they try or how much we believe that they are.

Healing is a process and that process takes time and that’s okay. But at some point and place, you will become an addict, if you keep relying on others to do your work for you.  No matter the amount of humans or morphine you have, it will never be enough, enforcing a dangerous cycle of emotional cannibalism.

And so, I guess this begins the healing process. I suppose I have been a coward for long enough. Healing and regrowth takes time. And it’s almost never fun. Growth does not take place in your comfort zone. Out of discomfort comes change and out of change comes healing.  If you are in your zone of comfort, you are not growing. Healing requires a leap of faith outside of that circle.

And I’m going to take a giant one.

Secondly, maybe I still harbor some unforgiveness.

Or maybe a lot.

And that is not okay.

I know we have all heard the phrase: holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. While this is true, I don’t think we realize the simple power held within forgiveness. However, forgiveness is SO much easier said than done.

I think we believe that the act of saying “I forgive you,” is forgiveness.

It’s not.

The words mean nothing if the feelings and attitude never change. Forgiveness is more than just three little words that you say to someone who might have wronged you. It’s a statement, yes, but it is also an action, a verb. It is a release, a reconciliation of some sort.  I think I must have forgotten that because my bitterness never changed, got worse with time.

They say time heals all wounds, but it’s not the time in and of it’s self that heals, but what happens in that time. Change is the key.

But the problem is that we put too much of our faith in justice and revenge.  

This person did *fill in the blank* to me, so I think *fill in the blank* should happen to them.  

I tend it get upset and mad when my version of justice doesn’t hit them like Miley Cyrus on her wrecking ball. But focusing on the injustice of the situation only guarantees the unforgiveness and bitterness to grow like a weed and spread like a wild forest fire.  

And I’m so over it. I’m done with the weeds and the forest fires. Unforgiveness is selfish and stupid and I’m tired of it!  

UGH!

So thank you, kind friend for asking the hard questions! I appreciate it!

Let the road to become a better person begin!

Ill see you on the other side!