Senior Year (Day Two): So This Is Goodbye?

Can we get real here? Can I just be honest and vulnerable for a minute?

Thanks. I thought so!

“It’s amazing what you gain when you lose,” she commented, sliding out of her chair. Raising one eyebrow- like I always do- and narrowing my eyes, I let the statement settle into a small piece of my heart.

I will never cease to be amazed at the way the universe provides tiny little nuggets of inspiration just when you need them. Never late. Never early. Just right on time.

For some reason this really resonated with me.

I felt like I was losing a lot, and the funny thing is, I hadn't even realized it.

Last week, two of my best’s friends moved away for college. Another one of my dearest friends will be leaving next week (and another just a few weeks after that.) We have both known for months that she is leaving, but now it is staring us right in the face, the reality  of that is now tangible. And it will be very difficult saying goodbye. Not just to her, but to ALL of them, to the people that I love so dearly.

Because what if they forget about me? What if they don’t return the same person as they left? What if they forget about the reasons they cared for me? What if I forget about the reasons that I cared for them? What if we grow apart? What if our friendship dies? What if they like all their new friends better than me? What if I am replaced in their lives?  

What if….

What if..

What if…

I know I must sound as if I have the maturity level of a 5 year old. I am immature for worrying over things like this, and I know that. I understand that my fears are probably in vain, that there is nothing to worry about, but that doesn’t take their whispers from the back of my mind, that doesn’t make the echo of panic void.

Because what if these things actually do happen?

I just don’t think that I can afford that kind of heartbreak right now!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled for all my friends! College is exciting. It’s an adventure and I’m pumped that they get to experience life in this new way, get to grow more into the amazing people I know they are.

But sometimes I’m just really sad that I have to “lose” them because of it.

UGH! WHY CANT WE ALL JUST STAY TOGETHER? We could even have our own reality show. Think MTV’s Real World, but you know, it would actually BE real. Oh yes, minus the drunken stupidity that makes for great television.

I think that the hardest part about losing someone isn't having to say goodbye. Goodbyes are hard. They hurt and sometimes they even break you into a million little pieces. But rather, the thing that is most difficult is learning to live without them.

Adjusting is never a smooth transition. Sometimes it doesn't even occur. The stinging emptiness that is its byproduct is agony sometimes.

And maybe that’s my problem.

Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everyone that we love.

I know this is truth because I find small pieces and parts of me in the people that I surround myself with, love dearly, and invest into. Each of them has a certain and particular part of who I am that they hold within themselves, whether they know it or not. But what happens when those people are no longer around, taking all the separate parts of you away?

Then what?

Then it seems as if there’s huge whole in you are, or that there is nothing left of you but fading memories.

I have to remind myself on an hourly basis to stop. Stop my fretting, panicking and worrying. Because its dumb. It takes away from living life to the fullest. Each little thought of worry distracts you from seeing all the wonderful things about each passing moment. It blinds you to the joy that is experiencing life.

Just breathe, I tell myself.

In.
Out.
It’s simple.
Everything is going to be okay.
This is a chance to learn.
To grow.
To love.

Because isn't it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Love, even if it flows only one direction, is never void.  

(To all the teenage girls reading this right now, PLEASE STOP thinking about One Direction. Get that good-looking Harry Styles out of your head this instant! Thank you!)

But above all, I have to remind myself that I don’t need other people to complete me. I don’t need others to feel whole.

I don’t need it.

And neither do you.

You don’t need other people to complete you.

And that’s a lesson that took me a long time to learn. I think I am just now grasping that concept.

So even if my fears do come true, if I really do lose in this situation, I have to remember all the good things I can gain. Even though I could be losing in one sense of the word, I am gaining SO much more. Gaining knowledge, strength, wisdom, love, discernment….  Everything I will go through will grow me in some sort of way. Given enough time there will be a garden of beautiful things planted within my identity. That is something that I look forward too.

At some point apathy must stop and action must begin. Eventually, self-pity must end and optimism must push through.  

Here’s to you kind friend! While you know what you said, you know nothing of what it spoke to me.

Senior Year: Day Two. Completed!